Four child-rearing tricks for four ages: Fun, simple and powerful
The only consistent thing about raising children is that it is constantly changing. As soon as you think you have it figured out, they’re a year older and you’re back at square one.
Every parent and every child is different. That’s why everyone has to work it out for themselves. But here are some random hacks gleaned from my own experience and stories from friends that might be useful. Some are funny — humor is high on my list for dealing with (almost) all relationship challenges. But being funny doesn’t always work, as in the final example listed here.
Early childhood
Let’s say this is up to age six. A common issue is trying to get your child to eat what you think they should: a well-rounded, healthy diet. In reality, you might serve a plate of four different foods and watch with astonishment as your child quickly devours the least healthy ones first (the ones that were supposed to come last, as a treat!) and balks at the steamed broccoli.
I remember watching with mild horror as my friend’s daughter Jackie, six, used her full powers of concentration to push peas in ellipses around her plate. If I observed correctly, each pea was required to do three figure eights before being deemed eat-worthy. The entire procedure took about 30 minutes.
My horror turned to astonishment when this 30-minute pea torture session ended and it was time for dessert. Her bowl of ice cream vanished within three minutes. I didn’t actually see her consume it, because I was preoccupied with smooshing my own ice cream down to make it softer (we adults are allowed to play with our food sometimes, too).
When I Iooked up, her bowl was already licked clean.
The point of this story is to demonstrate that Jackie was a classic picky eater at a young age. But her mother still managed to pull a fast one on her. While most kids refuse to eat bananas with brown spots (“Ewwww!”), Jackie would consistently gobble her banana down, spots and all.
“That’s amazing!” I said to my girlfriend as I observed this ice-cream behavior being unleashed on a banana.
“I always have to cut the brown spots out or I hear ‘Gross!!’”
She quickly lowered her voice and pulled me aside with a conspiratorial glance over her shoulder.
“That’s ’cause I told her once that the brown spots are the best parts. Ever since then, she just wolfs the whole thing down!”
A little reframing goes a long way.
Early teenage years
My daughter was 14 when I played this little trick on her. To be exact, it was her 14th birthday.
When you play Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the birthday bash organizer every year for two kids, it can get a little monotonous. That’s why I began writing gift tags with little twists. I would misspell “Santa Claus” or compose silly poems with clues about the whereabouts of the present. I would hide these in the bathtub, under the couch or at the back of a particular cabinet.
But I was especially pleased with myself for coming up with this ruse.
Instead of just handing her a present, I gave her a cooking pot, empty but for a perfectly round fake eyeball. When you moved the pot, it rolled around rather gruesomely at the bottom.
“Guess what your present is!” I said, barely able to contain my glee.
She took the pot and rolled the eyeball around for about 10 seconds. The friend she had invited to the party sat motionless, staring at this supposed birthday gift. You could read his thoughts from the bewildered look on his face: “What the #?!”
“An iPod!!!” she burst out, dissolving in laughter.
Her iPod has long since been buried in the rubbish heap of technological development, but this story has not lost its charm.
Mid to late teens
My sister Katie is also wont to pull shenanigans on her kids. When her son was learning how to drive, she sat in the car on the passenger’s side, as moms do, while he completed his required accompanied driving hours. She gave him the usual coaching whenever he reached a tight spot or encountered a situation he was unsure how to deal with.
Even though he was 16, she somehow managed to bamboozle him. When he was using his horn a bit too enthusiastically in traffic, she warned him in a stern voice:
“Careful! Don’t use the horn too much or you’ll use up the honk juice! There’s only a certain amount of it and you don’t want to waste it. Otherwise you might run out while you’re on the road.”
The only thing funnier than this outrageous statement is that he believed her.
Her unfortunate son had the bad luck to mention this incident to a friend on the phone. Worse still, his younger sister was listening in (as was his conniving mother) while he mentioned “not wanting to use up all the honk juice…” And the rest is history!
Some of those involved in this story laughed their heads off. One of them was keenly embarrassed. I’ll let you figure out who was who.
The teenager, the mother and the divorce
An acquaintance of mine told me how divorcing her husband had deepened the rift between her and one of her sons. Their relationship had already been fraught, as it so often is between a teenage boy and his mother. He was the quiet type and did not share his feelings easily, making a relationship with him especially challenging.
Because the family home belonged to her husband, she was the one who had to move out. It broke her heart to leave her two sons behind. The divorce was already a source of stress for the whole family. She feared the connection with her sons, especially the quiet one, would now further deteriorate once she was no longer living on the same premises.
Her fears came true. Once she moved out, her already reticent son was more distant than ever. The relationship came to a standstill. They had little to no contact.
The obvious path might have been to confront him directly and proclaim that she wanted to improve the relationship. But her approach was much more subtle. She bought a carefully-chosen book she thought he would like. She first read it herself, then wrote a letter to him with some probing questions about the book.
What did he think of this book? Did he agree with the author or were his claims exaggerated? She mailed the book and letter together.
Her son responded.
Their exchange of opinions on a simple book formed the basis for a renewed relationship. He is now an adult. It has been some 20 years and their relationship is on firm ground, the effects of the divorce long forgotten. Even more, she has a close relationship with her grandson.
All because of a book.
So don’t hesitate to be creative and find unusual approaches to dealing with your kids. If it serves to maintain or nourish the relationship, it’s probably worth it.
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